Has Menopause Cursed My Sleep?

This is my midlife crisis

Oh, sleep. Where have you gone?

I’m exhausted. Each night I go to bed ready to sleep, and even despite the occasional accidental pre-gaming nap on the sofa, I usually fall asleep just fine. It’s when my bladder rudely awakens me or a super weird dream disrupts my peaceful slumber that I can’t go back to sleep.

Suddenly, it’s 4:00AM, and my brain wants to solve all of the world’s problems. But instead, it spins around in circles, anxiety swirling and taunting my thoughts. Somehow these made-up crises that I catastrophize never seem as important in the light of day. 

All night I seem to switch positions like a rotisserie chicken, rolling from my back to my side, to my stomach, to my other side, and then all over again. Except I’m never done. A comfortable position is never found. 

I spin so much trying to sleep that my nightgown usually gets tangled around me and becomes so claustrophobically uncomfortable that I have to consciously rearrange the garment. 

Sure, I could sleep without one, but what would I do when a hot flash erupts? Instead of sweat being wicked off by my nightgown, I will drench my sheets. And then I’m cold, trying to rest in a wet bed for the rest of the night. It’s much easier to change my nightgown than my sheets…

And then there are the weird dreams. So. Many. Of. Them.

I dream about impassible highways, ripped up and exposing pipes, or a bridge that isn’t exactly leading anywhere, and I’m lost.

I dream of my husband having a trist with a super hot, twenty-something tart whose devotion to him includes making him a modern-day version of a mix tape. (I was mad at him for this for days in real life. He was impressed that I thought he could actually attract a twenty-something at nearly 50.)

I have nightmares about being trapped on an amusement park ride, surrendering to the nauseating spinning and torture, only to be rescued by my dad who passed away last year. 

Other terrors involve adults leading experiments where children are performing dangerous surgeries on each other, with blood spattering and procedures with instructions like, “Ok, children. Now replace the human eyes with rabbit eyes!” and seeing the wide eyeballs of toddlers peeking out from under a drape, the sheer terror evident in their expressions. 

I dream of being in another body, yet still me, and feeling exquisitely gorgeous enveloped in my new, chocolate brown skin. 

Sometimes I’m the subject of another man’s affections, and I don’t want the dream to end, yet my alarm rudely awakens me. 

I’ve always had vivid dreams, but my brain has reached peak creativity lately.

If it’s not dreams or my bladder waking me up, it’s my itchy skin. Yes, this is a sign of menopause, too. And since the sensation of itching travels on the same pathways as pain, it’s no wonder how annoying a sensation it is. No amount of lotion or anti-itch cream seems to alleviate the discomfort. I succumb to taking a Zyrtec every few days to manage it. 

It’s apparent that my midlife crisis is a lack of quality sleep. And I’m not alone. It’s pretty well documented that perimenopausal and menopausal women have trouble catching zzz’s, as many as 60% of women have this problem. 

Despite this documented issue, there seems to be little actual research about the hell that is menopause or what to do about this sleep problem, other than the normal advice given to anyone suffering from insomnia. 

Sleep hygiene. Blah, blah, blah. Don’t drink caffeine or alcohol. (Seriously, what of life’s guilty pleasures are left?) 

I even heard an OB-GYN complain on social media about how little time they spent learning about how to manage the end of our reproductive years. Comforting, for sure.

The lack of research seems to imply that once our uteruses are spent, women aren’t valuable anymore. Not surprising given the sudden interest in regulating our wombs. Apparently, it’s not worth trying to figure out how to make our lives more bearable as we age. We’ll be dead soon, anyway. But, please, let’s spend some more money on figuring out how to improve the erections of old men. Now that’s a project that definitely deserves a hefty budget (insert eye roll here).  

My waning estrogen levels are causing me great distress. Between my hot flashes, anxiety, itching, and super freaky dreams, it’s a wonder that I sleep at all. But something really needs to change! 

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Are you besieged by menopausal symptoms, too? How are you managing? I’d love to hear about it. 

As always, I hope you all are safe and healthy.