Do We Shame Sex Because It’s Animalistic?

Maybe it’s time to change the conversation about sex

I was thrifting the other day and found a book entitled The Secrets to Tantric Sex. The title alone made me blush. I looked over my shoulder to see who might be around, and, seeing no one to judge me for my curiosity, pulled the title from the shelf to take a better look.

Although I briefly considered purchasing the $1.98 gem, upon perusal of the carefully diagrammed pages, I decided I was indeed too much of a prude to go through with it. My husband, however, may have been impressed if I had. I would have been mortified to bring that title to the register for purchase. 

There was an important word I used in that story: PRUDE. Yes, I said it. I’m a prude. Not because I don’t enjoy intimacy with my husband, but because I was raised in the church. The lessons from purity culture run deep, almost as if feeling shame about sex is in my DNA.

Just as your body begins to develop, your hormones rage, and you begin to feel strange around people you find attractive, you learn through purity culture lessons that all of these very natural feelings are wrong. All of those butterflies stirring in your nether regions are to be squelched; those thoughts are dirty. Sometimes even the process of puberty is kept a mystery, as if denying that it is happening will keep the inevitable changes at bay. 

Even masturbation is taboo in purity culture. My dad, who earned a master’s in theology, used to love to tell a story about a preacher from one of the church camps he attended. The pastor fervently commanded that boys not touch themselves, or their children, and their children’s children would be cursed with infertility. Hmm… how does that work exactly? It all sounds very scientific, eh?

All of this is bad enough if you happen to fall into the most common genetic variety and like the opposite sex. But what if your biological makeup is different? What if you diverge from this heterosexual expectation? The church can make you feel even more ashamed, especially if you are in a religious sect that teaches that anything other than a union between man and woman is sinful. 

Sex education outside of the church is often not much better. And although there’s the ritual of the 5th-grade movie that your parents must opt-in for you to see under most circumstances, some public education systems teach abstinence-only curriculum. Some school systems, including my own county’s, have more members of the clergy on their sex education committee than doctors or mental health professionals. Shocking, right?

Keeping sex and sexuality a thing of shame is damaging to fragile tween and teenage egos. Making religion a part of secular, public education is wrong.

There is now a concerted effort by right-wing conservative groups to ban any books in school and even public libraries that they deem “sexually explicit,” the guidelines of which are intentionally vague. Again, where is the separation of church and state?

Some aspects of purity culture leech out into general societal views of sex as well. Men are studs if they have sex frequently. Women are considered sluts or whores if promiscuous. Furthermore, consent is generally viewed as given if a woman dresses a certain way, is too nice, or is simply in the wrong place at the wrong time alone.

Purity culture is rape culture.

But why is it that men are celebrated for their sexual vigor and urges, and women are shamed for the same? No one wins in this system, because men are shamed for being gentlemen, and women are shamed if they give into the lust of men. 

Lust is a great word to use here, because sex is, well, so primitive. 

Of all of the characteristics of being human, our sexuality is the least controllable. Maybe it’s the lack of control that seems so primal as if we need to prove we are better than animals by consciously managing these urges.

Does this explain the rash of clergy who have been credibly charged with molestation of children? How ironic that those who shame us the most for sexual desires are often the most guilty of sexual acts performed without consent.

But sex doesn’t have to be ugly. It’s also an expression of love and affection.

Read any romance novel and authors will describe the intense chemistry between lovers, desires that need to be satisfied, and blissful unity when couples finally consummate their feelings. Julia Quinn who authors the Bridgerton series of novels preserves the virginity of her protagonists until at least engagement, keeping that veil of innocence for as long as it makes sense to do so. 

Biological urges to reproduce, or at least practice the act thereof, are as essential to humanity as the hunger for food. To deny that this is a part of the human experience would be preposterous. 

Yet how often are we told to ignore these traits? Certainly, we need to have conversations about consent, but we also need to understand that it’s natural to want to express our humanity and affection through sexual acts with another person. It simply is what it is. 

By trying to ignore this fact, it makes the mysteries of sex and sexuality all that more intriguing and compelling. But if we were to just accept that it’s a part of human nature, maybe we wouldn’t struggle so much emotionally. As long as our sexuality isn’t harming someone else, why should it matter?

When it comes down to it, our species is still a part of the animal kingdom. That’s the simple truth. And sex is simply a part of being an animal.

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Lead photo: a wolf howling, perhaps as a call to its mate.

Does any of this resonate with you? I’d love to hear about it!

As always, I hope you all are safe and healthy.