I Have Become Uncomfortably Numb

The process of changing medications sucks.

Logically, the point of medications to manage anxiety, nightmares, and the eventual slide into the dark hole of depression is to make you feel better, right? But no one tells you how challenging the process of deducing what is best can be. 

I started this exercise last week. It’s been a roller coaster ride already.

The new medication I’ve been given to squelch my PTSD-induced nightmares from the shooting made me feel unwell. The first night, I nearly passed out when I got up to use the bathroom. I spent about 15 minutes lying on the floor before I could gather the stability required to crawl back into bed. That was fun. 

Did it cure me of my nightmares, at least? Well, not exactly. My dreams were super weird, sometimes unpleasantly sexual, and intense, none of which equate to a better night’s sleep. I also found myself unable to return to sleep when awakened by said weird dreams. 

I gave it a week. I’ve resumed my prior sleep aid, which seems to work well and at least turns off the ruminating thoughts. And since the civil case of the shooting is going to court, there are many of those.

I’m weaning off of one SSRI and onto a different one that is more specific to PTSD symptoms. At least on my first drug, I could feel emotions. This new one is curing me of all the feels, good, bad, and ugly. I’m not sure yet if that’s an advantageous scenario, but I’m leaning toward not. 

I actually want to feel sorrow, anger, grief, and especially joy. At least some of it. But I find that I really don’t care about any of it. Maybe feeling nothing is the point of all of these meds. But how productive can I be without this fuel? 

This past week I’ve been particularly unmotivated to exercise, create art, read a book, or write, which is why I skipped a regular blogging day. I just don’t have the fuel to express anything. 

Since we cut the cable, I haven’t been into TV at all, until now. It seems that watching a screen is all that interests me currently. I’ve binged the entire series, Ted Lasso, which I loved, and have moved on to The Morning Show. (I must take advantage of my free time with Apple TV after recently upgrading my iPhone from a 7.)

The point is, I don’t like this sedentary, unmotivated person I’m becoming. It’s just not like me. But the numbness that exists now just doesn’t allow for normalcy. 

Changing my meds was supposed to better manage my anxiety and, subsequently, my blood pressure following the shooting, but my BP remains fairly high, especially in the evenings. 

My husband bought me a present: my very own automatic blood pressure cuff. How exciting. Yes, I like the old-school cuff and stethoscope, and I was getting quite good at taking my own BP, but this is quicker. I can also take photos of high numbers for my records. Again, it’s just thrilling. 

I’m hoping this sudden flight of humanity from my soul is merely temporary. But what if it’s not? I’m not meant to have a “meh” life. 

Dear Universe, please help me to be the person my psychiatrist has medicated me to be. But who exactly is that? Because if it’s this, I don’t want it. 

___________

Thank you for reading. 

As always, I hope you all are safe and healthy.