Yes, 2021 is coming to a close. And although I maybe didn’t accomplish everything I had set out to do this year with my running, I also kept expectations low. After all, we certainly deserve a bit of grace after a pandemic year, especially those of us who are essential workers, including healthcare providers.
I’m very grateful that this year we returned to live races. Obviously, we are still in the midst of the pandemic, but with the introduction of vaccines to the mitigation efforts, racing in person was once again possible. That didn’t mean that we no longer had virtual races or alterations in format, but as the year progressed, it was clear that big events could be held safely once again.
With my running partner, Patty, after the Sports Backers half marathon.
My year began with a couple of half marathons. The first? The new Sports Backers half marathon, held in March from Dorey Park on the Capital Trail in Richmond (there’s also a marathon and 5k). This was an event that was on a measured course, but held over a few days with the flexibility to run when you wanted. It was another great, pivoted event from Sports Backers. The second? The Foot Levelers Blue Ridge half marathon in Roanoke. I was honored to be chosen as an ambassador for this race, and it was an amazing event! They don’t call it America’s Toughest Road Race for nothing. I was more sore after this half than I have been for any of my full marathons!
With a new friend and fellow ambassador, Jen, after the Foot Levelers Blue Ridge half marathon.
By summer, it was time to begin marathon training team with Sports Backers. I returned as a coach with Pink Nation, our first year without our beloved head coach Blair Just. Our first long run coincided with the Monument 10k from Sports Backers, which they pivoted to two open courses in different parts of Richmond. Pink Nation ran from Dorey Park along the Capital Trail, once again, to complete the race!
After the Ukrop’s Monument 10k at Dorey Park.
My next live race of the year was the MTT midterm: the newly rebranded Ashland Half Marathon, formally known as the Patrick Henry half. New this year was the extra half hour early start, ensuring that back of the pack runners had a better chance to finish under the time limit. What wasn’t new? The soul crushing heat and humidity that is summer in central Virginia! Still a great race.
After the Ashland Half Marathon.
My fall marathon was run virtually. Why? Not because of Covid, but because security around the Pentagon could not be guaranteed due to the unique civil unrest in our nation’s capital recently. Marine Corps Marathon 46 was run on the streets of Richmond, coinciding with our team’s 20 miler, with some added miles at the beginning and end of the route, which closely followed the Richmond marathon course. How about that?
With Patty after running my virtual marathon. She came to surprise me at the finish!
I coached the Richmond Marathon. I loved being back on the original course this year, and it was truly inspiring to once again usher in a new set of marathoners!
With my fellow Pink Nation coaches before the Richmond Marathon.
The pinnacle of my year, however, was checking off another bucket list distance. I completed a 50k: the Freight Train 50k Ultramarathon. I will never have to ask myself the question of IF I can run longer than a marathon. The only question left is, can I run it faster?
At the finish of the Freight Train 50k.
I’ve got a couple of races in mind for the spring. I’m definitely returning to the Foot Levelers Blue Ridge Half Marathon again, since I was chosen as an ambassador for 2022! (Use my code MAGEE2022 if you want a discount for this race!) We’ll see what else pans out!
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Did you run any races in 2021? Do you have any in mind for 2022? Are there any races I should travel to? I’d love to hear about it!
I’m really happy to share that I will once again represent the Foot Levelers Blue Ridge Marathon 2022! The event will be April 16, 2022. Announcements for ambassadors were made earlier this week.
Last year’s race was a bit different from their norm due to the pandemic, but it was very well done, and I loved the experience! The race was well organized, the expo was socially distanced, and the swag was outstanding.
My shirt and medal from last year’s race.
If you are looking for a spring destination race in Virginia, this is a solid choice. Dubbed America’s Toughest Road Race, the courses really live up to that expectation. But for the work of climbing mountains, you are rewarded with spectacular views of the Blue Ridge Parkway, beautiful neighborhoods, and the city of Roanoke. Plus, there’s a distance for everyone: Anthem Star 10k, Foot Levelers Half Marathon, Foot Levelers Marathon, Freedom First Team Relay (Marathon), and Double Marathon. I am registered for the half marathon once again. This course was very challenging, climbing up and descending two mountains, one of which is Mill Mountain, which features the Roanoke Star!
The Roanoke Star on Mill Mountain. We will run right past it!
If you decide to run one of these races, I highly recommend taking hill training seriously! I did some hill work in preparation for this race, but I don’t think I truly understood the significant elevation changes we would experience. My friends warned me that there are parts of the course where you can literally reach out and touch the road in front of you, the ascents are so sharp. They weren’t kidding! But it’s a small portion of the climb.
After the race last year with my friend and fellow ambassador Jen! We met on the course!
The city itself is a great place to visit for a long weekend. I’m definitely a person who finds peace in the mountains, and Roanoke offers breathtaking views in abundance. If the great outdoors calls to you for adventure, this is your place. Check out the Visit Roanoke website for links to hiking destinations, places to stay, and Virginia’s Blue Ridge Cheers trail!
The beautiful mountains of Virginia!
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Are you sold on the race yet? Use my codeMAGEE2022for a 20% discount on any of their races! Prices go up January 8th. You can register here.
For the first time in months, I’m taking some time off from running. It was really strange to wake up on Sunday, my usual long run day, and not get up to go run. I was really looking forward to sleeping in. The weather was even cooperative: cold and rainy. But, alas, my brain was awake at 6:30. So much for those plans!
I did go for a 4 mile-ish run/walk with my fellow Pink Nation coaches on Tuesday last week. We ran through The Fan to see the fancy houses on Monument Avenue decked out for the holidays. We also got to see the progress they have made in dismantling the pedestal that once held the Lee monument. There were lots of stops for pictures! I was feeling pretty good after the ultra until I ran that day, though. On Wednesday, my body cried mercy, so I’m trying to listen.
With some of my Pink Nation coaches!
Why are rest days important? We need that time off from working out or racing to allow our bodies to repair and recover. If we don’t, we set ourselves up for injury. Marathon and ultra training are really, really hard on our bodies.
So, what’s a girl to do when running is her means of stress relief? I’m going back to my taper activities. I have a pile of books to read. (I can’t resist a thrift store bargain. And I found a bunch of really interesting new books!) And I’ve completed yet another loom woven wall hanging. This one is for me!. My interest in weaving has led to a new round of hunting and gathering of yarn. I’ve found several partial and full skeins of yarn while thrifting, and I just bought some beautiful yarn for a new project.
My third every wall hanging.
I will start back into workouts this week. I have a home gym, and will likely take advantage of it. With the new variant running rampant, and our hospitals dealing with yet another Delta surge, it’s too risky to go to the gym right now.
Hopefully these few days of rest are exactly what my body needs. I will then transition, finally, to my winter maintenance running schedule. I’ve got a few half marathons coming up this spring! With my maintenance schedule, I’ll be ready to jump into a half marathon training plan at any time!
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Do you take breaks from running after big races? I’d love to hear about it! As always, I hope you all are safe and healthy.
I’m home from work. The first thing I did when I walked in the door was to march straight to my room and change out of my comfortable scrubs into my even more comfortable sweatpants. And as I sit here, now post-meal, in these oh so comfortable sweatpants, I am indeed thankful for their invention. I’ve even been known to run errands in these. But it wasn’t always socially acceptable attire for outings.
Sweatpants were never something I wore out on a regular basis. When I was in college, for example, I didn’t dare go to class in sweats. It was just something I never did. I guess running has changed my perspective, because I certainly go to an after run brunch in my running gear. And now there’s been an interesting development during the pandemic, one that I don’t think we will devolve from anytime soon. I’m actually grateful for this, though. It’s the elevation and evolution of loungewear!
Sure, I used to think less of people who showed up to Walmart in pajamas and slippers, but I’m practically one of them now. I wear things out that I never would have considered appropriate pre-pandemic. I even went out to dinner in my much loved sweatpants the other night. I’ve reached a level where even leggings and a sweater seem like too much effort.
This phenomenon, this evolution, if you will, was insidious. It simply came to be without even thinking about it, and I’m not alone in this observation.
Loungewear has degrees of casualness now. There are straight up pajamas that you only wear at home. There are mid-level lounge pants, like sweatpants, that are now socially acceptable for basic errand running and even casual dinners. And then there are dressy lounge pants, like more traditional athleisure wear. Think joggers and yoga pants. Workout clothes can fall in here, too. These are completely acceptable for shopping at the mall or meeting girlfriends for coffee.
I knew we had reached a new level in the pandemic when yoga pants suddenly feel restrictive, and when you get home, you find yourself changing into more comfortable pajama pants.
How did we get here?
I look at jeans now and think, why did I ever choose to wear these instead of my beloved joggers? If it weren’t for the adoration for my Doc Martens that overrides my love for comfort, I may never wear jeans again. Because I would never wear my Docs with loungewear. I still have some standards, after all!
Is the shift toward increasingly casual attire simply because we have outgrown our pants in the midst of this ongoing pandemic? Or is it just that we have all realized that life is too short to be uncomfortable? Maybe it’s both.
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Have you noticed this phenomenon as well? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
I returned to Farmville, VA on Saturday, the home of my undergrad alma mater, Longwood University, to do something my college age self could never imagine. I ran my first ultramarathon!
I was definitely not a runner in college. I barely made it to the gym once a semester, just to prove that I was taking advantage of all the “free” amenities my school had to offer. My inner gymnast had retired years ago, and although I did take required physical education classes as part of my degree, including the coveted and impossible-to-get-into water aerobics and gymnastics classes, my college experience exercise consisted mostly of walking wherever I went, simply because I didn’t have a car.
Furthermore, the trail on which we ran as part of this ultramarathon didn’t exist in the 90’s when I studied at Longwood. It was an abandoned train track. The tracks are now long gone, and the High Bridge Trail State Park is now a gem for the town of Farmville. Its presence has helped revitalize the quaint downtown area and caused a bit of a boom in restaurant and retail development.
And who would have the audacity to convince me to do something so challenging as an ultramarathon? My best friend Patty, of course. She’s the one who talked me into running a marathon in the first place. She’s very convincing like that. And, here’s a tip: never hit the sign up button when you’re two drinks in. Ah, well. That’s how shenanigans begin…
With Patty after the race.
My training
Having never run an ultra before, I knew that many of my friends used their fall marathon as a training run for a later fall ultra. That was my plan. I ran my marathon in late October. I signed up for the 50k at the beginning of November. Since then, all of my weekend runs have been double digits except for the weekend before the race, as is normal for taper. I fit in weekday runs when I could, but my work schedule did affect my training. Even so, I thought that would adequately maintain my fitness level through the ultra weekend.
The lead up to the race
So, taper was initially going pretty well, but in the couple of days prior, I definitely felt more irritable. My anxiety about running this distance was definitely pouring over into my daily life. I’ll try to cut myself some slack about this. As the emails confirming details of race day were pushed out, it occurred to me that this was really about to happen. I watched the race prep video, and then had lots of questions, like, “Wait… I might see a bear on the course? Am I really supposed to make noise and draw attention to myself if I see one?,” and, “What’s a pit toilet?”
The organization
Virginia Adventures was formed in 2014 to put on ultra marathons in historical, lesser known areas around Virginia. All of my friends who have run their races say that they are well run and very organized. I was not disappointed. The aid stations were well stocked, expectations and information were clear, and volunteers were motivating and helpful. They even had real food after the race, including a Beyond burger and vegetable broth! Of course, there were plenty of choices for omnivores, too. But I was so grateful for that Beyond burger…
The course and mental game
Running on the High Bridge Trail, I was expecting mile upon mile of pea gravel and barren trees. This is exactly what I got. Besides the occasional passing a friend near the turnaround points, entertainment was provided by my innermost thoughts. I kept singing songs to myself in my head. The exceptions to the monotony were the occasional road crossings and the pit toilets. Yes, I did find out what these are! And, of course, the High Bridge itself.
On the High Bridge.
It was a windy day, so I was kind of apprehensive about what the bridge itself would feel like. But I was pleasantly surprised. Since the fences of the bridge are so high, I really didn’t feel unsafe at all. Yes, it seems like you are a mile over the Appomattox River, but the height was actually amazing. With the strong breezes, if you closed your eyes, it was the closest sensation to flying that I have ever felt. It was exhilarating! I felt light and free.
The view of the Appomattox River from the bridge.
The course itself is 2 out and backs, one eastbound to Rice, VA, and the other westbound past Tuggle to Oliver Road. The eastbound portion crosses the HIgh Bridge. A folding chair marked the turnaround points. I was never so happy to see a folding chair in my life as I did on the westbound side. I had to laugh, too, at the aptly named Hardtimes Road that we crossed on the way to and from that final turnaround. I meant to take a picture on the way back, but forgot.
At the turnaround point on the west side of the trail.
I’m not usually a fan of out and back routes, but if you are mentally prepared, it’s not so bad. The journey back always seems quicker, as you recognize sights you passed earlier. Oh, look! There’s the field with the big hay rolls. Oh, hey! There’s that massive pile of horse poo that I need to avoid stepping in. Oh, yay! There’s my aid station!
The field with the hay rolls!
Race strategy for me is never set in stone. I’ve been running long enough to know that some days, everything just clicks. Other days, not so much. This was one of those no so much days, unfortunately. There are also many variables beyond your control, like the weather. But my only expectation for the day was to finish. Strategy is meant to evolve without punishing yourself, and I’ve learned that stubbornness can be a very positive trait, indeed.
I ran without walk breaks to the High Bridge, which was about mile 4.5, then switched to a walk/run interval. It was early in the race, and I wanted to ensure that I had enough energy to endure all the miles. I started with walking the first quarter of each mile and running the rest. Of course, there were a couple of bathroom breaks and a stop to clear the gravel out of my shoes, but I stuck to this schedule until Farmville.
Passing through Farmville just past the midpoint was challenging, especially seeing a few of the faster 50k runners crossing the finish line. That was humbling. I was in a difficult space mentally at that point, but I was determined to finish. I refilled my water bladder, remixed my electrolytes, and set off to finish the race.
I had felt pretty uncomfortable since mile 10. Farmville was around mile 17. And around mile 19, my right knee decided to play the tightening up game it likes to do every now and then. I should have taped my knee, knowing this was a possibility, but I chose not to. Live and learn. I couldn’t run for more than a quarter mile without it starting to hurt, so I switched to quarter mile intervals, running half of each mile.
I had kept my nearly defunct iPhone in airplane mode for most of the race to conserve battery for both my phone and my watch, as my watch picks up notifications. I decided when I passed the final aid station on my way back that I would take it off airplane mode and check in with messages. My younger daughter and my sole sisters provided a lot of encouragement at that point. I needed it. And I waited until mile 29 to play music.
I started to have moments of crying at that point, because I absolutely knew I would finish. I had to tell myself out loud that I couldn’t lose it yet! I still had a couple of miles to go! It was also raining at that point, as if Mother Nature had made her last effort to cleanse my soul of any angst left. And as promised, the course ran long. I reached 31.3 with no sign of town in sight. But I was so very happy to see the lights of Farmville, as it was really getting dark by the end. My watch said 31.8 miles at the finish.
I was relieved to cross that timing mat at the finish. My fellow Pink Nation coaches, Chris and Malerie, were there to greet me. I literally melted into a puddle of ugly tears as we shared a group hug at the end. I’m so grateful they waited for me! Chris made sure I got food to eat, and my friend Selina, who was volunteering, lent me a huge towel to keep warm. I wanted to stay to see Patty finish, which she did, about 40 minutes after me! Her partner, Steve, who also ran the 50k, gifted us with Ultra and 50k plaques for our cars. So sweet!
With fellow coaches Malerie and Chris after the race.
The weather
I’m beginning to think that my involvement with any race will guarantee an unusually hot day, no matter what time of year. For this mid-December day, they were predicting a chance of rain later in the day with strong wind gusts and a high of 72 degrees. On my drive to Farmville early that morning, I encountered a couple of heavy downpours. However, the rain subsided for most of the race. It was actually a pretty nice day overall, with temperatures definitely in the upper 60’s with warm wind gusts. Overcast skies meant that I went without my sunglasses. It stayed this way until about mile 29, when I had just decided to listen to some music and sing out loud to some Smiths and Dave Matthews Band. And then the bottom fell out. It was raining so hard, I could only see about 2 feet in front of my face. But I kept moving. The rain had slowed a bit just before the finish. Wet feet are never fun, but I was grateful this was only for the final couple of miles of the race.
Approaching the finish line. Photo courtesy of Virginia Adventures.
Would I recommend this race?
Absolutely. This is a great first ultra race. It was very well organized with good support at aid stations. Although with the nature of the trail, there’s limited “crowd” support, there are definitely places on the course that your loved ones can access to cheer you on. The course itself is not technical. I even wore road shoes. 50k runners have the entire 18 hours allotted to the 100k runners to finish the race. Although there’s no medal, all the finishers got a really nice hand made pottery ornament. Mine will go on the wall, not my Christmas tree! And all participants received a long sleeve, hooded, super soft t-shirt. Plus, I love the town of Farmville. If you have the luxury to make a weekend out of it, there’s lots to learn from this historic place. If history isn’t your thing, browse some of the shops and restaurants downtown.
Will I do this again?
Ask me in a week how I feel. I think any multiple marathon runner begins to question what’s next at some point. I had considered running an ultra for years, but doubted my ability to do so. Now I finally have! I continue to amaze myself with what I can convince my body to endure. But for now, I’m saying one and done, just like I did after my first marathon.
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Have you ever run an ultramarathon? I’d love to hear about your experience!
When you are preparing for a running race, taper is essential to rebuild and repair your body, restore glycogen stores, and get enough rest to endure the hours on your feet to come. Some runners look forward to taper. Others go a bit nuts. I have definitely had moments of both sets of feelings during every taper.
This time, I’m dealing with the prospect of running 31.3 miles on Saturday by kind of denying that it will happen. I suppose reality will hit me soon enough. I’ve had no nightmares showing up on race day without my gear, no super duper anxiety episodes, and no ravenous hunger. I still have one day to go, however.
I’ve been passing the time with some crafts. I bought a loom when a craft store was going out of business a couple of years ago, and it’s been sitting in my office, patiently waiting for someone to put it to use. I was also gifted a huge bag of yarn, and so the material for my creations has been essentially free! I think I only paid $6 for the loom.
My first wall hanging!
I’ve really enjoyed sitting down to work on a task that can become somewhat mindless, much like running. I ponder all kinds of thoughts as I’m weaving the yarn through the loom. I am pleased with my first efforts! Now I’m super excited about making more weavings. I’ve now made 2: one for each of my daughters. I hope they like them!
My second wall hanging!
I will hopefully have a race recap for you on Monday. Wish me luck on Saturday!
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Do you like to work on crafts in your spare time? Do you find it quells anxiety like exercise? If you’re a runner, what kinds of things do you do during taper to burn off the crazy?
Last week was a light running week. As I was adding a new pair of shoes to my Garmin app, I was trying to figure out why I had such a low mileage week and only ran twice. And then I remembered my day and a half dealing with my body’s rather robust immune response to the Moderna booster. How could I forget so quickly?
Even so, I ran 15 miles last week. 10 on Monday, making up for the lack of a weekend long run due to traveling Saturday and working all day Sunday, and 5 on Friday. I tried out a new hydration pack Friday, hoping it will work for a little race I have planned this coming weekend: the Freight Train 50k. I’ve never attempted an ultramarathon before, and I would feel better knowing that I will have more control over my hydration.
This pack was only $14.99 from Marshall’s. Definitely a bargain, but lacking in some other areas, most notably pockets in the front with easy access to storage and to accommodate a bottle. The bladder, which I use for water, works great. But I like to have water and electrolyte replacement with me for long runs.
With my crew on the T. Pott bridge, wearing my hydration pack!
Sunday, I was invited to run trails with some friends. We are so very lucky to have the James River Park trail system here in Richmond. The views are always spectacular, and it was particularly lovely this time of year with mother nature signaling the trees to shed their remaining leaves. It was like wandering through a fall movie. I kept picturing that scene in Dirty Dancing when Baby goes to talk to her father in the gazebo, and the leaves are falling gently. It was simply beautiful.
View of the Richmond skyline from the T. Pott bridge.
Another view from the T. Pott Bridge looking over the rapids toward Manchester.
We ran across the James River twice. The first time, over the T. Potterfield Bridge, and the second over the Nickel Bridge, both routes revealing some of the most amazing views in the City of Richmond. The T. Pott bridge has been in the news lately, as its metal platform isn’t aging well at all. Parts are raised and could potentially cause a tripping hazard if you aren’t paying attention. It’s really unfortunate.
The James River from the Nickel Bridge.
The dirt hasn’t changed, though. We ran the entirety of the North Bank and Buttermilk trails. I have forgotten how humbling they can be. Just when you think you are fit because you just ran a marathon, the trails remind you that quick changes in elevation will raise your heart rate and convince you to take a walk break to hike up a hill more often than you would like. These trails are fairly technical compared to the short, flat ones I’m used to running in Ashland, with rocks, exposed tree roots, and frequent stream crossings. There were parts of these trails where navigating felt more like strength training, just like doing step-ups in CrossFit!
View from the North Bank trail
Downhill from the Buttermilk Trail approaching the Nickel Bridge.
I’m ready as I will be for my trail ultramarathon this weekend. The main difference is my race will be fairly flat and on pea gravel. It’s so NOT technical, I will wear road shoes instead of my trail shoes, and new ones, at that!
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Do you like to run or hike trails? We are so lucky to have so many choices for trails in the Richmond area, with the James River Park system just one of these areas. Want to support the park? Take a look at this book for sale, with photography by my friend Bill Draper. It’s stunning! All sales go to support the park.
Timing my third dose of the COVID-19 vaccine was tricky. I needed my flu vaccine by the end of October as a requirement for work, and that took priority. And I needed to space out vaccines to accommodate my race schedule, as I ran my virtual marathon the weekend before Halloween, and coached the Richmond marathon on November 13th. And then there’s another race coming up: the Freight Train 50k on December 11th. I didn’t want to feel under the weather for any of these events, nor did I want my immune system to already be down and out from running high miles when I got my vaccine.
I was considering waiting until after the ultramarathon to finally get my booster, but the sudden emergence of the Omicron variant changed my plans. I found myself seeking an appointment online as soon as we got home from vacation. If you want to do the same, follow this link to find locations for the vaccine in your area.
So, which one did I get? My original series was Pfizer, as I was in the first group to receive the vaccine as a healthcare provider. I was relieved, and this is the version I wanted. But as time has marched along with this virus and its evolution into more virulent variants has occurred, Moderna seems to be winning the test of providing longer efficacy. Even in my hospital, it seems that most of the breakthrough cases we have seen from the Delta variant are from patients who were more than 6 months out from the Pfizer vaccine. I’m placing my bets on mixing types. I got Moderna.
So Monday night, I walked into my local Publix grocery pharmacy, and I got my booster. It seems odd to have another slot filled out on my vaccine card from the CDC. I imagined that once the dose entered my deltoid, my immune system sprung into assault mode, like in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson, exclaiming, “Not this motherf*#!er again!,” and went in with guns blazing, ready to defeat the recognized intruder.
Right after this band-aid was placed.
I slept OK overnight, but started to feel restless by early morning. Everything began to hurt. The kind of “I just got hit by a truck” hurt that makes it uncomfortable to find a position in which to sleep, but even though you are exhausted, sleep is elusive.
Tuesday morning, I had a fever, starting at 99.5, and creeping up to 101.5 during the day. I had multiple layers of polar fleece on. I had a headache, my arm hurt at the injection site, and I still felt like I was in an unfortunate altercation with a giant truck. Of course, I also ran 10 miles Monday morning, and that certainly didn’t help matters. I am grateful that I had the foresight to take the day off, because I can’t imagine treating patients while feeling like this.
My fever broke late Tuesday night, but the headache remained. I went to bed, hoping for the best Wednesday morning. I was fortunately canceled for work, because I woke up with the same relentless headache. I finally caved and took some ibuprofen. This merely took the edge off so I could actually do something productive. By Wednesday afternoon, I felt back to normal. I ran errands, cooked dinner, did several loads of laundry, and even put up our new Christmas tree.
Although the effects from my booster were rather unpleasant, it proves that I’ve had a strong immune response to this dose. Feeling terrible for a day or so truly beats having Covid, for sure. I wish everyone could really see what your hospital based healthcare providers have been dealing with over the past 18 months. I’ve had patients I’ve cared for succumb to this virus. I’ve had others who spent months in the hospital, fighting to get their lives back, working harder than they ever have to regain the strength to stand and walk, which is what I facilitate as an inpatient rehab physical therapist. You may think that it’s just doctors and nurses on the front lines in the ICU who have been dealing with this. But truthfully, every hospital based employee has been affected by the stress and grief of this pandemic, right down to your environmental services staff.
No one really knows yet how virulent this new strain of Covid will prove to be. But I’m glad I’ve done everything I can to help protect my body just in case this is the one that can skirt my armed immune system. I hope that if you’re not immunized by now, you are reconsidering. Those living in the Western world are lucky to have easy access to the vaccine. But my powers of persuasion are limited, I know. Your super strong, healthy immune system is invincible, until it’s not. Why not give your body a fighting chance?
If you are of a certain age, you might remember this song: a delightfully vibrant rock song from the band Living Colour released in 1988. If you don’t know this song, follow the link, because it’s just as relevant today as it was then. But honestly, this is also a catchy title to entice you to read this post!
Have you ever taken a personality test? You know the ones. Where everyone spouts off a mouthful of letters which all mean something significant. I can’t keep the letters straight. But I do enjoy a good quiz. It reminds me of another relic of the late 80’s: all of those quizzes from the teen magazines.
But let me get to the idea for this post. As we were driving back home from the beach last weekend, my daughter got a text from her college roommates asking her what her “16 Personalities” type is. As I was bored and gratefully a passenger, I looked up the test and took it.
From what I can gather, it’s essentially a reworked version of the popular Myers Briggs test with which you might be familiar. According to one article, the test was developed as a free version of the longer MBTI. Recruiters often use some elements of these questions in the hiring process for a new job. (I clearly recall answering very strange questions for at least one of my jobs in the past.) And according to another article, the test is a bunch of hogwash with no research to back up its purpose or results. But still, it’s highly entertaining.
While my daughter is a mediator, I am an advocate, which is apparently one of the rarest personality types. But reading the description, it certainly sounds like me.
Advocates are supposedly quiet, idealistic, and inspiring. They tend to be creative and stand up for what is right. Advocates enjoy speaking out against the wrongs in this world. They see helping others as their purpose in life and feel compelled to seek their life’s mission. But they are also prone to burnout from taking on these roles.
I think all of these things are true about me, from my choice in occupation as a physical therapist and the settings in which I choose to practice to using this blog as a creative outlet, not only to help others with adopting a vegan lifestyle, running, and overall wellness, but also speaking out for social justice. And I guess it’s fitting that I find myself in this role, as I often wished for an advocate for myself as a child.
Thinking about my career as a physical therapist, one of the great sources of pride for me in my practice is not only helping my patients regain their independence, but also for serving as an advocate for them, helping them navigate this ever complex healthcare system. So when I saw this as my personality type, I chuckled a bit to myself. Of course it’s me: the advocate.
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Have you ever taken a personality test? In the 90’s, it was all about the long Myers-Briggs test. This one was new to me, but the 16 personalities test was a lot of fun, proving that I know myself pretty well! If you try it, let me know!
Guilt. What a powerful emotion and manipulative tool.
The first time I remember feeling this, I was probably around 4 years old. We went to a Kaybee Toy store in the mall, and I saw a sticker on the floor. I picked it up and kept it. I don’t think I ever told anyone that I took it, but I knew stealing was wrong. Of course, this was really just a piece of garbage on the floor, but I do recall feeling very sick to my stomach and losing sleep over my impulse decision to unstick the sticker from the floor. I was certain someone would find out, and I would go to jail. The now familiar pangs of guilt.
How did I know this was wrong? From church. Thou shall not steal. Of course. One of the Ten Commandments. The church was really great about instilling guilt. Didn’t take the time to learn that bible verse for GA’s? Guilty. Said God’s name in vain? Guilty. Didn’t read that chapter in the bible before Sunday school? Guilty.
Right and wrong are so black and white in childhood. Things get murky as we get older and realize there are many nuances between absolute right and wrong: the many shades of grey. Teenage and college years were all about figuring these out. But when I made poor choices, I was very unforgiving of myself. I’m now watching my own teenage daughters navigate their own comfort levels with shades of grey, and it’s challenging. But we’re working on it. And I hope that I’m offering sound, compassionate guidance without instilling guilt.
These nagging pangs really don’t improve in adulthood. Some days, I feel guilty in all aspects of being a woman. I could be a better mother. I could be a better wife. I could be a better physical therapist and caregiver. But many days, I only do one of these roles well, emptying my cup. Inevitably, some part of my life feels slighted. And sometimes I can make the most innocent mistakes and lose sleep over it for a week, ruminating over what I could have done differently. I’ll even feel like I didn’t deserve to treat myself to that cup of coffee, buy that new shirt, get my hair cut, or sign up for that race. And then I feel guilty.
Then there’s the game women play with our careers. If you work full time, you often feel like a bad mother because you haven’t prioritized your children. I took a day off once to attend an event at my daughter’s elementary school. The teacher was shocked that I was there, exclaiming, “You’re here! You’re never here!” I felt like she had just shoved a knife into my very soul. But if you don’t work, you feel like a financial burden on your spouse. I have certainly been made to feel guilty if I wasn’t working enough. That’s the PRN life for you. For much of my career, I have chosen to work in this capacity in an attempt to balance work and home life and to avoid burnout. For the most part, it’s been great, unless there are droughts in available work, like during the height of the pandemic. I took unemployment for the first time ever, and yes, I felt guilty about it.
I even feel guilty that I allow my husband to bear the burden of carrying our health insurance and breadwinning responsibilities. Even so, I still bear the burden of the majority of cooking, housework, and childcare, although there is more balance in these responsibilities as my husband has figured out that I really can’t do it all, especially if I’m working longer hours. But why didn’t I grow up to be the independent woman I had hoped to be? I’m somewhere in between the world of my parents, where being a stay-at-home mother was a perfectly normal and acceptable profession, and the completely independent career driven woman. I also realize how blessed I am that I do not have to work full time.
Speaking of working, being an American means that the principles of meritocracy rule. Work equals success. Overworking means you are noble and important. Money means you are worthy of merit. So we work until we are burnt out. The values of meritocracy are so deeply ingrained that we tend to feel guilty just by taking our earned vacation, checking work emails and doing so much prep and recovery surrounding time off from full time jobs that vacation hardly seems worth it. It’s a mark of a good work ethic to have tons of vacation saved. Sigh. If nothing else, the pandemic may have taught us that work may not be as important as we once thought.
Because I feel guilt so powerfully at times, I spend a great deal of my interactions with my patients talking about their own feelings. My older patients who are no longer able to live independently definitely feel guilty, even though getting sick or injured isn’t necessarily their fault. Sometimes they feel like a burden. I try to remind them that they spent a lifetime raising their children, and now it’s time for their children to help them. Sometimes my patients also feel guilty about letting Medicare pay for equipment. I have to remind them that in many ways, they have already paid for their $85 walker through all of their years buying into the Medicare system through their taxes. Sometimes they haven’t thought about it like that. They feel like they are gaming the system.
When guilt becomes something different, like when a loved one uses it to force us to do things that go against our moral code or comfort zone, that’s when it becomes a weapon. Religious leaders have been known to utilize this tool to achieve many goals. Spouses have, too. It can be difficult to distinguish between love and manipulation, resulting in a muddy mix of self-doubt, fear, and shame.
That’s not to say that I’ve never used guilt as a tool for manipulation myself. With raising my children, there was some extent of if you don’t do this, you won’t get that reward I promised you. Or if I’m working with a reluctant patient, as a last resort lying that I will get in trouble with the doctor if they don’t at least try to do some work with me. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it doesn’t!
Another facet of guilt that must be mentioned is the guilt that drives extremism. When our society collectively decides that some behaviors and values are no longer ok, those who benefit from the oppression of others become uncomfortable and resist. When you benefit from societal norms that give you a distinct advantage, and then you are made aware of the privilege you have held, you may feel this way. But you can react in ways that help propel society forward, like advocating for those who are negatively impacted by systemic patterns and laws that are meant to keep people of color, who aren’t Christian, who aren’t heterosexual, who are poor, even women, in a place that is beneath the white male. Some become angry, denying that these rules exist, or even worse, defending the stance that some people are worth more than others. (These are the folks showing up at our school board meetings crying about transgender rights and critical race theory.) Or you can do nothing, giving in to apathy. The disgruntled are the squeaky wheels in this guilt fest. But apathy usually wins without a fight. Society simply puts up with the status quo, with systems that devalue life, especially when they benefit you, when what we really need is progress.
In some aspects it’s similar to discussions about veganism. I get the questions about why I choose to live this way. Of course, it’s multifaceted: for the animals, for the environment, and for my health. Sometimes these discussions make people uncomfortable, as if my moral code is higher than theirs, and they feel like they have to defend their choice to eat animals. Yeah. That’s their guilt showing.
It can be challenging to trust ourselves, our own shades of grey in our moral code. Hopefully some forms of guilt will drive positive social and societal change. It can be difficult to forgive ourselves because we are not perfect in all aspects of life or when we become aware of our own harmful biases. But we must give ourselves some grace from time to time, and change what we can. Otherwise, guilt will eat us alive. That’s the power of guilt.
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Do you struggle with feelings of guilt? Have you reached places of peace with these feelings? As always, I hope you all are safe and healthy.
Anne the Vegan 